i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
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