he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
