2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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