I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
