is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
