Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize