He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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