We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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