got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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