is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
