I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
