Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
