non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
