my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
