My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
