...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
