I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize