Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
