Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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