Whod you bang
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
