dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize