i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
