I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
