I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There r osticjed everywhere
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
