for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
