I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
