I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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