It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
