I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
