I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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