he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
