Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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