If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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