whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
