Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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