Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
