the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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