At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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