Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
