i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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