dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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