I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
