Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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