Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
barbara walters just said penis...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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