Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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