my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
