Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
