Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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