why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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