i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
