Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
