I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His hands were made for my vagina.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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